Don't Follow Your Dreams

...Or at least that is how I have felt. How am I supposed to make money? How am I supposed to "follow my dreams"? What if my dreams don't get me anywhere or anything? What if..? How...? When...? Floundering in my own black hole of self doubt I stumbled to the nearest box of chocolates. They were delicious because they were free. Time seems to be patiently meandering along the road that we call life, while at the same time racing to the end as though nothing else matters but that moment when I am supposed to take my last breath. I'm starved for trusted attention hoping I can escape to my room where my roommate and best friend, Anna, would be waiting to give me a hug and tell me it will all be ok. In reality I will enter the small space welcomed by my bed and an uncomfortable silence. This is what gorwing up is all about...right? I am supposed to stand on my own! Take charge! Leap forward into the uncertainty! So naturally I called my mom for words of reassurance and comfort. Our silence on the phone was worse than the one I share with my bed.

This means one thing! It is time to face the facts...I must but make it through the day without eating a whole box of chocolates. As hard as the task may seem, I think I can manage it. My co-work already ate two, therefore I can rationally eat the rest of the box and not feel an ounce of guilt! We all know that the guilt will creep up on me at some point. A few weeks ago I thought it wise to take down a half dozen donuts. Rolling my way to school, I knew I had accomplished something. It just may not be something I should be proud of.

I'm avoiding the issue. Dreams. I have plenty of them. The struggle has intensified as I move toward the end of my educational career. Off to get a masters!! But where? Or for what? I want to go to film school...but I could do law. Then again, you have to have faith in yourself to do law...and film...and a masters. I don't have the best confidence repertoire. We're here to grow and improve. That's what I am attempting to do.

Focusing on the tasks at hand, such as finishing the semester, would be handy. That's the only thing I HAVE to do right now. It's nice to take a deep breath and realize that in this moment the only thing you have to do is breath out. In this moment all I have to do is be me, nothing more, nothing less.

Aloha!

So it's been a while eh?! I dropped off the face of the blogging planet just to come back with some fully interesting times. Here's the scoop: I've spent roughly a little over a year in Hawaii. In 2008 I graduated from Bowness High and I am now attending BYU Hawaii. This is my fourth semester here and believe it or not I'm done.
My first semester here was awesome, the second one was a little harder and last semester was really difficult at times. It's not that I don't like Hawaii, it's just that our relationship has hit a rough patch. We're working on things together and so far so good.
This brings me to the next phase of my blog. The first part is mostly my trip to Spain and my experience there. Now I will be writing about my experience in Hawaii, it will be honest, from the heart, and revealing...

Winter semester 2010! I can do this! Right?
This semester started off so "good", I guess... I thought. Now I have no money, and I'm short a few school books I need right now. As stressful as it is, I guess I can look at it as a some what adventure. I think I found one of my books in the library... I guess we'll find out soon enough.
The first week of classes brought on an Eddie Aikau wave of "what am I doing with my life!?!" So naturally I prepared to pack up and leave. As much as I am living in "paradise" I don't know how much longer I will survive out here. It is odd to notice how much pride I have. I'm scared of what people will think if I drop out, or if I don't decided to graduate from BYUH but somewhere else. I want to stay here longer because I want to be "grown-up". It seems like the more I try to be grown up the deeper I dig myself into a hole. I think the key is to stop trying, just to be. Be in the moment, be in life, let yourself experience it. I can't do that, i have to plan and replan or I feel uneasy, close to crying sometimes. If something in my schedule changes I have to write the new schedule right away and go over and over it in my head and then tell someone else.
I've been crazy over analyzing everything, just like back in junior high. HOWEVER, I will be hanging out with friends this weekend. There is a movie we're going to go see, and I think there is a wedding on Saturday and Cody and I are going to go try to be extras for a movie. I'm going to audition for PCC, there is a dinner on Saturday and Abe and I are gonna make cookies... someday. :P
But at the same time all this super stresses me out. I'm nervous that I won't get to said places in time. And I don't have any money...
I don't know what to do :)
Friday is my deadline... it's the day I decide whether I am going or staying.
Friday is also my dad's BIRTHDAY!!! :D

Other than not knowing what I'm going to do about anything, freaking out about everything and wanting to cry every second of everyday... I'm up to the usual college stuffs
cooking...
wearing hair...
doing "homework"...
the usual...
I have so much more to tell, but I'll have to call it quits for now.
Until next time... eat a cookie!

Venting

Create,
Something new, alive, warm...
Look,
Look and see what there is.
See high, feel deeper.
A cave, a canvas, a drop...
Of hope, of love.
Desire, whole and entire.
A dream, a dream, a dream...
REALITY!
Fire burns, water cools... or heats.
What do you do?
When,
When all the pictures fall?
You break,
You break, but you last.
Rope, rope kills...
Rope unites!
A book, a book, a book,
A million books.
To read, to see.
The books read you.
Stop the fire,
With what? Water?
Water cools...and heats.
A dream, a dream, a dream,
and nothing more.
No more, no more, no one.
I love him. Do I?
No, of course not,
You're fire is over there.
It's raining in this forest,
Stop trying to build a fire.
Rain,
Rain,
Rain,
Catches...
People off guard, start running...
That is all you can do.

Check it!!

gotta love spain!!

After 2 months...

LE QUIERO A DANIEL!!!!

Santandar

So Marina´s parents took Marina and I to Santandar on Sunday!! That was so much fun. First we went to go see the "summer house" for the kings. I think it is used as a university now, but i am not sure. There were animals...like penguins and walruses...so I don´t know what this place is. After walking all of the place, which was fun, we went to meet her dad. There was the best view from the restaurant we ate at. Marina and I had really good chicken sandwiches and then they had calimary which I am sure my mother would have swam the ocean to eat. Which is funny because squid live in the water. Anywho, it smelled really good. We went and got ice cream and ate those on this walking place with a really good look out. Later on we went to the beach and "tanned". Marina tanned... I laid there for 5 minutes and then went for a walk with Marina´s parents. The picture of the little cottage house is here because this is where I am going to live with my faithful husband and our 14 children. Not really, but it looks so sweet and cute it makes you want to have a billion kids and a donkey...no? Ya, here are my Santandar pictures. Enjoy and please excuse all spelling errors. I am going to go watch a movie now!! In Spanish.


Yay!! I really don´t know what to say about these pictures so...YAY!!

Look!! A dragon!! Haha got ya, it´s just a really pretty beach!

BAGUR! BAGUR! Bagur Bagur BAGUR!!

Hey guys!!
I just wanted to show you some things that go down at Bagur!! (Bagur is the clob we go to every weekend, everyone from the school goes there...it is fun!!)
This last week end there were dancers. They dances to 6 or 7 songs and it was really cool. I love their outfits and they all have a flower in their hair (I thought that that was really pretty.)


Here are some other fotos. These are my favorite girls to dance with, because they always dance. And they are funny too. And this is a picture of Daniel and I...it was a surprise for him, even though he took the picture.