Don't Follow Your Dreams

...Or at least that is how I have felt. How am I supposed to make money? How am I supposed to "follow my dreams"? What if my dreams don't get me anywhere or anything? What if..? How...? When...? Floundering in my own black hole of self doubt I stumbled to the nearest box of chocolates. They were delicious because they were free. Time seems to be patiently meandering along the road that we call life, while at the same time racing to the end as though nothing else matters but that moment when I am supposed to take my last breath. I'm starved for trusted attention hoping I can escape to my room where my roommate and best friend, Anna, would be waiting to give me a hug and tell me it will all be ok. In reality I will enter the small space welcomed by my bed and an uncomfortable silence. This is what gorwing up is all about...right? I am supposed to stand on my own! Take charge! Leap forward into the uncertainty! So naturally I called my mom for words of reassurance and comfort. Our silence on the phone was worse than the one I share with my bed.

This means one thing! It is time to face the facts...I must but make it through the day without eating a whole box of chocolates. As hard as the task may seem, I think I can manage it. My co-work already ate two, therefore I can rationally eat the rest of the box and not feel an ounce of guilt! We all know that the guilt will creep up on me at some point. A few weeks ago I thought it wise to take down a half dozen donuts. Rolling my way to school, I knew I had accomplished something. It just may not be something I should be proud of.

I'm avoiding the issue. Dreams. I have plenty of them. The struggle has intensified as I move toward the end of my educational career. Off to get a masters!! But where? Or for what? I want to go to film school...but I could do law. Then again, you have to have faith in yourself to do law...and film...and a masters. I don't have the best confidence repertoire. We're here to grow and improve. That's what I am attempting to do.

Focusing on the tasks at hand, such as finishing the semester, would be handy. That's the only thing I HAVE to do right now. It's nice to take a deep breath and realize that in this moment the only thing you have to do is breath out. In this moment all I have to do is be me, nothing more, nothing less.